ginghamandgrace

I am a wimp of gargantuan proportions. We’re talking bugs (bees in particular), roller coasters, public speaking, the ocean, most animals (I am totally no fun at the petting zoo). My manic aversion to needles has been a slight problem throughout cancer treatment. (shout out to Illia at CHCWM for being my phlebotomist hero)

Never in a million years did I imagine that I could do all of the junky things I’ve had to do in the last year and a half. Chemo, surgery, radiation and lots and lots of needles…ugh

But…..somehow, I did all those hard things!?!? What?!?!?! My girl, Glennon Doyle Melton always uses this phrase and it has rung especially true for me in this season of health.

 

Now, I know I did not do these hard things alone, OOOH NO. In fact, I take very little credit. I have literally clung to My Heavenly Lord and Father for the last year and a half. (sometimes I imagine this really long line of impatient people waiting for me to let go of God, so they can have a turn – ha! But, we know it doesn’t work that way anyway) He has provided me everything I need and more. My family and friends, – they are true loves, lifting me up and carrying me through each challenge. I  have done many  hard things, but I haven’t done them alone.

Just as I was having a nice, relaxing break from hard (at least, really hard) things, THIS DATE crept up on me.

Monday, September 12 I will be admitted to the hospital for reconstructive breast surgery and a prophylactic mastectomy on the left side. This will be a big surgery and I have lots of anxieties about it. It’s been awhile since I have been in “patient mode”. I am now dreading the physical and emotional hardships that come with it.

I find myself telling Colette to be kind, to be brave. Brave? What does that mean? To me it means understanding that there are hard things in life that we MUST do. Whether it be attending school, making the right choice even when it’s unpopular…Or, in my case, accepting a cancer diagnosis (and the good and the bad that come along with it). Being brave doesn’t always happen overnight and it’s certainly not something we can be ALL THE TIME (I mean, come on). But it’s this quiet, lovely thing that challenges us to change our hearts, our minds, even our worlds.

During this past week, my mind has shouted things like WORRY, WORRY A LOT, WORRY SOME MORE.

And I try to be brave. I really try. I read some calming scriptures, I take deep, intentional breaths. I do yoga. I clean my house and make lists for everyone (one might think I am to be overseas rather than the living room with how detailed these lists are) Sometimes the worry montage gets to me and I crack. But, I pull it together…and keep going. (There are definitely a few cracking moments).

But, with each little, brave step I take (shaky) as they might be – I heal. I gain strength. I move forward. There is power in choosing to be brave.

Some of you may know that I have a Facebook Cancer Journey page – separate from my main Facebook page – for family members and close friends.  During treatment and beyond I would post photos and updates. Then the Today Show happened and everyone and their mother and her mother’s mother-in-law saw me hairless on TV sharing my story. It was one of the most terrifying and most beautiful moments of my life. My secret was out, my struggle on national TV for the world to see. But it was only a glimpse. Since the Today Show I have been asked to share my story in front of groups multiple times. I have never been ready. I truly do feel called to share my story publicly, but have always been more comfortable as a writer than a speaker.  I imagine taking the stage “down the road”, once I am “healed” and in a “better place”. Those ideals seem kind of far off and maybe nonexistent? And, doesn’t my story needed a happy ending before it can be inspiring? Right now, I feel like I’m still floating in a lot of gunk.

Then, I heard these incredible words from GDM

“Lovely and easy and shiny people are really comfortable talking about their problems when they’re over. We’re not allowed to struggle until we’ve done our victory lap. That’s fine, but it’s less helpful than hearing from people in the trenches. How do I show up in the during? Maybe this all happened to me so I can go out there and be seen in the during”

And who among us isn’t in the during, in some form or another?

As much as I would like to be the lovely, easy, shiny person – it’s not me. Not right now. I’ve got scars and pains and no shiny hair here. But I have HOPE that one day (soon) my wisdom will overcome my fears, my perspective will be clear and broad, my life long and full.

So friends, I come to you in the during, asking for your prayers and kind thoughts as I dance my (hopefully) last dance with DBC. Prayers for peace, for healing and for HOPE. xoxo

PS I will keep you updated from the trenches