ginghamandgrace

here I am. Almost five weeks post-surgery and frankly, I am amazed at my progress. I don’t mean to brag, but I may be a breast cancer rock star. The first two weeks were definitely challenging;  but since then, I’ve improved steadily. I have had no complications and everything is healing well. (I will have one more minor surgery in a couple of months. At that point, the reconstruction process will be complete). I am gaining strength and range of motion in my arms each day. I am now able to do most tasks without difficulty. Except windows. I cannot shut windows. The weather has been so lovely lately, and I am opening my windows almost every day. When it gets chilly after dinner, I try to shut them and find I am unable to do so. There is something about the pushing down motion that my rerouted muscle and incisions don’t like. Every day I open the windows, and later, try shutting them. No luck yet, but my physical therapist is confident I will resume the task shortly. My husband is on window closing duty for now and when he works late, Coco and I put on sweatshirts.

Today, I thought I lost Coco.

Brett and I were talking car seats with an employee at Buy Buy Baby and Colette was looking at books nearby. She was literally there one minute and gone the next. I thought she must be around the corner, like she has been so many times before – at Target when she’s looking at coloring books while I peruse the best sellers, or, in the backyard -when she appears from behind the hydrangea plant after I frantically call her name.

But not this time.

I called her name softly at first, conversationally, as I sped from aisle to aisle (i didn’t want to alarm the grandmothers and newly pregnant shoppers; i was sure i’d find her at the next turn).

No Coco.

Not by the books, not by the stuffed horses, not even by the princess castles. It was at this point Brett left me to broaden the search. The walls of Buy Buy Baby started to spin as time began to take on a suffocating, slow motion effect. The doors. My instinct was to lock the doors. I could hear that I was breathing fast, but, in my panic – I felt nothing. As I made my way to the front of the store, an employee caught my eyes. “My daughter is missing!” I choked out. I’ll never forget the compassion on the woman’s face. She pointed to her left where Brett was kneeling down with Coco in front of him, a very serious talk taking place. I felt so many things at that moment. Relief, joy, anger, guilt.

Tonight, as I reflect back on this event, I am reminded how quickly life can turn. One moment Coco is looking at books, the next she is browsing nursery furniture clear across the store. One moment you think you’re safe and the next you’re facing a health crisis, or some other crisis that knocks you off your feet.

I always come back to this. Enjoy each moment. You never know when life is going to turn and what that new direction will look like. Enjoy each moment. It’s hard, because a lot of moments are boring – like putting away groceries or cleaning the house – and when I find myself in a barrage of unglamorous, mundane moments, I simply forget that I am supposed to be paying close attention.

Then, life passes me by.

Where do all the minutes go? I spend every day with my daughter and on some days, I can’t tell you what we did. But other days, I can tell you we turned the radio up and we danced, or we made muffins in cupcake liners with little pink ribbons on them. These are the moments when I’m fully present with her – no internet, no phone, no laundry or house that needs cleaning. These moments are my memories and I know I want more of them.

The breeze is still unseasonably warm tonight, but with a hint of autumn cool. I thank God for this beautiful fall season we’re having. I thank Him for Colette and keeping her safe today. I thank Him for my continued health and this journey of healing (body and mind). He encourages me to grow and be wise and discover the beauty in this earthly life. (i like to think that God knew I’d have trouble with windows after surgery, so He sent this “windows open October” just for me). I hope you read this blog and are reminded, as I have been, to pay attention. To remember what is truly important and to enjoy all the moments xoxo